Regrets? I Have a Few…

Last weekend, we viewed 4 Oscar-nominated short films.  Three of them have lingered with me all week, because of their subtle insights into human nature and the thorny topic of regret, which can mire us down in bitterness or anger or motivate us to break through our fears, often with surprising results.

The Irish film The Shore reminds us that the regrets originating in young adulthood shouldn’t be carried like baggage for decades without first checking our youthful assumptions. The Norwegian film Tuba Atlantic reminds us to live, truly live, and not  collect regrets, which can weigh us down with fear, anger, and sadness until it’s almost too late. And finally the American film Time Freak, reminds us that the wish to go back in time and correct our mistakes is a foolish and comical waste of brain power and energy.   If you have the chance to view them, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

What’s Your Excuse?

She was anxious.  I could read it on her face.

She had glanced at my address as I finished placing an order for a new pair of eyeglasses, and asked if I liked living downtown.  “I love it,” I said, gesturing out the shop window at the people ice skating in the park across the street and the coffee shops, restaurants, museum, and hotels within the perimeter of my gaze.   “An apartment is so much easier to take care of than a house,” I added.   She nodded and told me she was also thinking of downsizing and moving nearby.    Her children were grown, she explained, and she was tired of the expense and upkeep of a house.  Besides, there was so much more to do downtown than in the suburbs.  Her kids were encouraging her to do it, but she still hadn’t made the move.

She bit her lip.  “I’d miss my garden,” she said, wistfully.  “I love to garden.  Don’t you miss it?”   I told her did, but visited parks and other outdoor spaces to fulfill my need for green.   She continued to quiz me, and list other reasons why she shouldn’t make the move–the effort, the time, the expense, the housing market.  In the end, she thanked me for my opinion and said she’d keep it in mind.  I had the distinct impression that she was stuck in the data gathering phase, weighing the pros and cons and opinions of people, but wouldn’t ultimately take action and make the move.

When facing change, many people “get stuck.” Why?  Putting on my therapist’s hat, I’d diagnose her failure to change for several reasons:  1.  She is afraid ;  2.  She doesn’t want to make a mistake;  3.  It takes time and energy to move;  4.  She’s wondering whether the financial and physical “cost” of moving will outweigh the benefits;  5. She is not sure what the change will “give” her;  6.  She knows the change necessitates giving up something(s) that is/are valued.

I’ve been there.  Sometimes I can think of a million reasons why I should stay “stuck.”  It’s uncomfortable place, but its familiarity is oddly comforting.

Now, it’s your turn.  Think about a change you are contemplating.  It may or may not be voluntary.   It could be personal or related to your career.   If you are “stuck” between action and inaction, you are not alone.   Do any of these excuses sound familiar?  They were compiled by Morgan W. Mc Call, Jr. who collected managers’ and executives’ responses to the question, “Why haven’t you changed something you believe you should have?”   Do any of them resonate with you?

  • You don’t accept the need to change
  • You don’t want to admit mistakes or flaws.
  • You aren’t motivated to change.
  • You are weighing the costs in time and energy.
  • The benefit is unclear.
  • You are not personally committed to the change.
  • You don’t see the real importance of change.
  • You don’t know how to change.
  • The change requires that you give up something of value.
  • You are not sure what the change will “give” you.
  • You are comfortable the way you are.
  • You are afraid of looking stupid or feeling incompetent.
  • You feel intimidated by others who have made the change already.
  • You are too busy to change.
  • People around you don’t support the change.
  • You are afraid to make mistakes.
  • You are afraid of failure.
  • You need to be liked.

In part 2 of this post, we’ll explore ways to overcome resistance to change.

Lyrical Inspiration

Nearly every morning, on my drive to work, I slip this CD into the player, twist up the volume, and sing along with Chumbawumba.  It never fails to lift my spirits and get me ready to face the challenges of the day.    Chumbawumba’s  songs are an intriguing mix of the political and personal.  Enjoy!

On the Road of Good Intentions

The party season has begun.  Before we know it, we will be facing January, that month of contrition, when we resolve to undo the excesses of November and December.  Contrition often takes the form of  New Year’s resolutions.  They remind me of soda cans, soon discarded along the road of good intentions…that ancient, long, and well-traveled road, worn smooth by many shoes. Like many of us, I have made and abandoned these resolutions and felt worse for it.  Despite this, I keep making new ones.  One change I need to make is to cut down on refined sugars.  But every day, when I’m making my morning cup of tea, I slide my teaspoon into the sugar bowl, and my mind plays the same script narrated by my own little Glinda, the good witch, who debates my Wicked Witch of the West.

Glinda: “You know you should eat less sugar.”

Wicked Witch of the West:  “I know I should, but I love that jolt of sweetness first thing in the morning.”

Glinda:  “You really should cut back.  You know sugar isn’t good for you.”

WWW: “I know, I know, but it’s just one little teaspoon.  What’s one teaspoon?”

Needless to say, the Wicked Witch  often wins. But the fact remains that my Glindas, or good intentions, are not enough to change my behavior.  This mental battle is explained in the book Switch:  How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath.  The authors argue that our minds are  ruled by two systems:  the rational and emotional. In my little script above, my Glinda would be my rational mind and the Wicked Witch would be my emotional.  Therefore, I need to engage both Glinda and the Wicked Witch (my emotional  love of sweets).  Their compelling argument, supported by decades of research in psychology and sociology and case studies from business, health sciences, education, and the government, shows how to support the structure of lasting change.  The Heath brothers give detailed examples of how to engage our rational minds, motivate our emotional system, and structure a path that will lead to the final destination or goal.  In their chapter on “Overcoming Obstacles,” I can quickly find my problem:  “I know what I should be doing, but I’m not doing it.”  Their diagnosis and advice?  1)  My rational mind is on board, but I have an emotional problem.  I am not convincing my Wicked Witch (lover of sweets) to jump on the bandwagon; 2)) I can start out small and think of one tiny change that I can make right now, which will get one step closer to my goal;  3) I can change my “path” by making a change in my environment so that I’m “forced” to change.  For example, I could stop buying sugar or I could replace sugar with Stevia;  4)  And finally, I can enlist the help of someone else so we can reinforce the new behavior.

I have decided to choose option 2–starting out small.  I am going to gradually decrease the amount of sugar I use every day.  So instead of 4 or 5 teaspoons over the course of a day, I’ll use 2 …or 2.5.  I will keep you posted on my progress!

Now, here’s a question for those of you who have made a positive change this  year.  Why is it working?  Share the secret of your success at:  

If you’d like to take a look at the Heath brothers’ book, here the link:  http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322413303&sr=1-1

Walking the Roman Ruins

 

Finding My Grandfather

One of my hopes for our trip to Italy was to connect with my grandfather’s relatives still living in Volturara Irpina, a small village about 40k outside of Avellino,  south of Naples.  My grandfather died over 40 years ago, but his memory still shines bright.  He was a man with an easy smile, who loved cooking, family, his dogs, and his gardens.  His wonderful family suppers filled a long mahagony table from end-to–end with dishes of homemade ravioli, baskets of crusty bread, and casseroles of meatballs, sausage, and bracciole.  I knew with a child’s intuition and certainty that he loved me.  He would draw me into his lap, his arms wrapped around me, and together we’d watch a  baseball game on TV. Quite simply, I adored him.  Now, all these years after his death, I wanted to know more about him, walk the streets where he rode a donkey and rang the church bells.  Instead of stories of the old country, my grandparents said nothing.  Instead, they shrugged as if to say, “Why bother talking about it?”  They were absorbed with the present and trying to make a living. But I needed to know about the past so I could better understand them and connect to the world they had left behind.  In my grandparents’ rush to become Americanized, they had mistakenly tried to negate all that history.  It was unfortunate.  By robbing us of the past, we could never learn from it.   All that hard-earned wisdom,  knowledge was evaporating unless we could reclaim it.

Before we left, I had connected with the village historian in Volturara on Facebook.  Dr. Edmondo Marra told me I had some relatives in town and he promised to introduce me to them.  “Come late Sunday morning,” he wrote.  “I live in the piazza.  Ask anyone where my house is and they will tell you.”  Anyone?  I was skeptical.  But as we prepared for our trip, I printed out directions from Google Maps and identified the main square, Piazza Roma, in the center of town.

The Sunday after we arrived in Rome, we ate an early breakfast and drove south on the autostrada.  I still didn’t know what to expect.   Maybe I would never find Dr. Marra.  Maybe we would just drive through the village,  and simply walk through the streets where my grandfather once walked.   Maybe Dr. Marra would give us a lukewarm response.  Maybe no one in town would want to meet us, the Americans.

After passing Avellino, we exited the autostrada and climbed deeper into the mountains.  The road cut deeply through steep ravines and passed lush hillsides, reminding me of the terrain in the Blue Ridge Mountains in West Virginia.  Smoke rose from stone farmhouses scattered here and there along the road.   As we drove into Volturara, plain two-story cement buildings with tall windows and narrow balconies flanked the road.  Men with tweed caps and jackets filled the streets chatting and smoking.  We approached two men, asking directions to Dr. Marra’s house.  “Ah, Dottore Marra,” they exclaimed, their faces lighting up.  They directed us up the street, telling us to stop at the next square, where, under a tree, we would find Dr. Marra.  “The tree?” I repeated, thinking I had misunderstood their Italian.  They walked us there.  Sure, enough, in the square in front of the church, there was a tree.  Underneath it, a man with a weathered face was smoking and chatting with a group of men.   He greeted us with a big smile and shook our hands.  Edmondo Marra is one of the 3 doctors in town, the former mayor, the town historian, and a cousin on my paternal grandmother’s side. He introduced us to Artillio, whose wife Rosa was another cousin.  Soon, Rosa emerged from the church with the other women in town, which explained why we had only seen men up until that point.

We met Dr. Marra’s wife Elena, who taught German in high school in Avellino, his daughter, Marie Stella, a high school student, who already spoke English with confidence and shared her mother’s love of languages.  We also met two other cousins, who had lived in France and came back to Volturara years later to raise their children.  The women shook our hands, kissed us, and chatted eagerly about our mutual relatives.  Many of them wanted to feed us and invited us back to their homes for coffee and cake.  Elena took us to the church where my grandfather was baptized and drove with us to the highest peak in town, where a white stone church crumbled and cows grazed freely.  She pointed to the town far below, its orange-tiled roofs dotting the terrain.  We heard music.   We asked where it was coming from.  “The cows,” she replied, smiling.  They roamed free, their bells tinkling.  Communal cows?  And how did they milk them?  “They all come to the same stream in the evening to drink,” Elena explained.  The people simply took their empty buckets to the stream and milked whatever cow they wanted.   We pondered over this concept, so foreign to us from the States, where farmers build fences to pen in their livestock and branded their herds.

She told us more–about the perils of this land, besieged by earthquakes and volcanic ash from Vesuvio.  And its people, who were fiercely loyal to the earth, and farmed it with stubbornness and tenacity.  They were a close-knit community, keeping a watchful eye on not only their own children, but their neighbor’s, scolding and praising them when needed.  But with sadness, she told us that her son, and other children, had to leave when they were older.  Her son was studying for a degree in Rome and would find a living in a large city or maybe even a neighboring country.  “It’s difficult for us,” she admitted, her eyes filling with tears.  “But we accept it.”  Then she added with a smile,  “But they return in the summers and on vacation because they are happy here.”

We returned to the piazza and visited relatives who set before us cups of coffee and plates of cheese, fruit, and cookies in their homes.  “Come back in July,” they insisted.  The biggest event in town was the festa of San Antonio at the end of July.  “You walk down the street and everyone is talking English,” Artillio told us.  He had worked for years in New Jersey and came back to Volturara with his wife Rosa to retire.  Like many Volturese he had ties to America and other lands.  Far from a closed community high in the mountains, the Volturese welcomed their own, no matter how far away they had moved, no matter how long they had been apart.  Deeply moved, we kissed them goodbye, promising to return.  And we will return, I am sure of it.  These people, these relatives, are not easily forgotten.  Their warmth and kindness will stay with me, always, a part of my grandfather’s heritage and gift to me, to my family.

If you’d like to learn more about Volturara, here’s a link to the village website: www.volturaraonline.it.

Have you explored your family history?  What have you learned?  Did you feel it was important to understand the past?  What did you learn from it?

Photo Credits: Patti Moed

Start Small

In our minds, change looms large.  It seems impossible, gigantic.  It’s much easier if we start small.

Let me give you an example.  Not too long ago, I decided to pick up a long-abandoned practice of meditating.  As I started reading through books which described the process, I had great intentions.   I found time several times a week to practice  and felt great pleasure from accomplishing that goal.  That lasted for a few weeks until I read another expert’s warning that I needed to do it every day.  Guess what happened?  This week, when I missed several days of meditating, I had a completely different reaction.  Instead of pleasure, I felt frustration and hopelessness.

There is wisdom in the advice of starting small. Let the change take root first in a small way and then it will expand in time.  Like all change, it is a process.  Sometimes it occurs slower than we’d like, but even small steps will get us to our final destination.

Here are some words of wisdom from author Joan Borysenko’s book Inner Peace for Busy People.

Focus on Making Small Changes

(Excerpted from Chapter 20 of Inner Peace for Busy People)

When you try to change your entire life in a day, chances are slim unless you’re being taken into the Witness Protection Program. And when you think about the effort that change takes, it can be paralyzing. But there’s a much gentler option. Let a story about my friend and colleague nurse-researcher Dr. Janet Quinn, author of I Am a Woman Finding My Voice, tell you more.

Once upon a time, Janet went to Australia to spend a week with a group of aboriginal elders. One day they piled into a van to search the arid outback for bush tucker (Australian for “food”). Items such as Witchety grubs and honey ants may seem unattractive to Westerners, but they’re delicacies in the outback.

The van was bouncing along a rutted road when suddenly it slowed way down. There was a camel in front, loping along at its own slow pace. The driver honked. The camel went faster. Then it slowed down again, apparently unconcerned about the van on its tail. The cycle of honking, trotting, and slowing down was repeated over and over again. The sight of Janet imitating the wagging gait of the camel’s behind can’t be captured in words, but perhaps you get the picture.

As she sat in the van, contemplating the dromedary, it occurred to Janet that there were miles of uninhabited land in every direction, yet the camel stayed on the road. If it had made the tiniest adjustment to its course—even a fraction of a degree—it would have had endless miles of unmolested space to roam in, and there would be respite from the honking and trotting. But apparently the camel hadn’t thought this through, and it kept to its uncomfortable course.

A lot of people do the same thing. You may be stressed and unhappy about the course of your life, but you just keep on walking in the same direction. When I’ve asked people why they don’t change their circumstances, the most common response is “fear.” They know the box that they’re stuck in. Even though it’s uncomfortable, it’s at least familiar. But if they change, there’s a chance that the unknown will be worse than their current situation. The enemy you know seems safer than the enemy you don’t know. The second most common reason why people fear change is that they feel overwhelmed by the amount of work it will take. But think of the camel. A change in course of just a fraction of a degree would have resulted in unlimited freedom.

I knew a working mother named “Shawna” whose dream was to become a nurse, but for years she was like the camel and stayed on her old course. She had a lot of valid reasons: School takes time and costs money. How could she and her son possibly survive if she quit work to study?

Then Shawna took a small step. Since her job paid for continuing-education courses at the local community college, she signed up for biology and loved it. The professor alerted her to a scholarship for older women entering nursing, and Shawna applied and was accepted. Student loans covered most of her living expenses, and she waited tables twice a week to cover the rest. Shawna became a nurse during the recent shortage. The hospital she signed on with gave her a cash bonus large enough to pay off most of her loans. One small change . . . and unimaginable opportunities opened up.eems so big, that I’m likely to get flustered and confused. I may then be found wandering around the house, looking dazed, with the same pile in my hand for several minutes. My internal wiring is sizzling, and smoke seems to be coming from my ears, because the load on the circuits is too large.

Psychologist Ellen Langer discovered that people who try new things are healthier and happier than those who stay in a rut. Even choosing a different route home from work benefits you. In her book, Mindfulness, she makes the point that variety keeps us engaged in life. You might be able to zone out if you’ve taken the same route a hundred times, but if you’re on unfamiliar turf, you have to stay tuned in. Tuning in encourages curiosity and results in a more adventurous life. An acquaintance of mine chose to drive a new way to work one day and got rear-ended in a traffic jam. But all’s well that ends well. She married the man who slammed into her.

This week, try making two small changes every day. Take a different street to work, turn off the television for an evening, go to a restaurant that serves exotic food, change your brand of toothpaste, smile at someone you don’t know, show up at work wearing Groucho Marx glasses, go to a different supermarket, get a more daring hairdo, eat dessert first, or buy or borrow a piece of clothing in a color you never wear. The possibilities are endless.

At the end of the week, reflect on what these little changes produced. Then think about your life. If you’re in a rut like Janet’s camel, identify one small step you might take toward change. There’s a whole lot of landscape to explore once you leave the beaten path.