One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Posted on by
Reply

One step forward.  Two steps back.

That is what I remind myself this week, as I log in many hours on the couch, laid low by a nasty respiratory virus.  It has stopped me in my tracks, forcing me to push aside my work and wait, surrendering to my body and its needs.  Still, my mind leaps ahead, struggling with the delay, with my lack of progress.  I am not a good patient.

One step forward.  Two steps back.  This is our journey through life.  My time on the couch reinforces this bit of knowledge.  In my rush through daily life I had forgotten it again.  But as I linger on the sofa, I am forced to remember it.

This bit of wisdom was illustrated beautifully on our last trip to Paris.  We took the train to Chartres to visit its Gothic masterpiece.  Pushing open the heavy oak cathedral doors, we stepped into the shadows and were whisked back to the Middle Ages.  Dozens of flickering candles and magnificent stained glass windows scattered shards of light and color across the walls and floor.  We were dwarfed by the soaring majesty of its vaulted dome.  As we wandered around the perimeter of the nave, we found a space where the chairs had been cleared away to reveal a labyrinth inlaid in stone on the church floor.  Intrigued, my husband, son and I followed the path, falling into step behind two barefoot pilgrims, their feet moving in an odd ritualized dance.  One step forward.  Two steps back. Jubilant smiles flooded their faces with light and hope. Intrigued, we kept walking.

From http://www.discover-chartres.com/chartres-blog.html

Unlike a maze with several alternative routes, the labyrinth has just one path, leading inevitably towards a goal at the center—in this case an engraved copper plaque, which was melted down during the French Revolution.   It pictured a six-petaled rose, the symbol of Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love and beauty.  In the spirit of adventure, we followed the path as it wound through 4 quadrants, each with 7 turns.  As we walked, my mind skittered from thought to thought and then slowed.  I felt like a child again, playing a game, lost in the moment.  My son, who obediently followed the rules, moved in step behind the pilgrims, his eyes fixed on the path, a look of intense concentration on his face.   Even my husband, who is usually in a rush, lingered along the 666-foot path, called “Le Chemin de Jerusalem” or Road to Jerusalem, symbolizing the belief that walking the labyrinth was akin to making a sacred pilgrimage.

One step forward and two steps back.  I didn’t share the pilgrim’s faith or their religion.  But still, I followed the path, looping back and charging ahead, so unlike the arrow-straight highways and train lines, which I am familiar with.  The pilgrims’ odd dance went against the grain of my American upbringing and way of thinking–that human life and progress are linear, based on a straight progression from birth to death, from rags to riches, from oblivion to fame.  But as I grow older, I know the ancients are right.

The pilgrims’ odd dance illustrates a truth about life—that it is a circuitous route with blind alleys, double backs, and moments of confusion when we feel like we’re traveling in circles.   Progress is never linear.  It’s a series of false starts and even failure before eventual success.

Perhaps it is enough to simply recognize that we are all walking the labyrinth.  With patience and time, the answers to our questions and worries will come.  Only then, can we make sense of the roadblocks and detours.  It might take years of blindly stumbling one step forward and two steps back as we reach the goals we have set for ourselves.  For me, I have set myself with the goal-of staring down the blank page or staring through the lens of my camera and summoning my courage to reveal little bits of light, of truth.  With patience and tenacity, I’ll stumble through the darkness and find my way.

The same as true for you, I am sure of it.  Someday our paths will be as clear as the one inscribed on the church floor.  And when that day happens, we’ll look back and know the journey was worth it.  This is what we must believe, no matter what our religious beliefs.   We have to have faith that we will understand some day, just like the pilgrims who walked the path and found meaning in the journey, not just the destination.

Mind Over Matter?

Posted on by
2

Several weekends ago,  I was working at my computer when the pain started.  It  radiated through my fingers and up my wrist.  It was so severe, I stopped typing.  Immediately my mind leapt to the worst.  “Nerve damage.  Carpal tunnel.  Surgery.”

Admittedly, I am a hypochondriac.  I come from a long line of them.   An innocent comment will start my mind spinning–like the time just a week or so ago when I heard a co-worker say, “I caught it from my grandkids.  I was sick for days.”  My mind worked feverishly.  Sick with what?  Was she still contagious? I wanted to take a step backwards, politely excuse myself, and liberally douse my hands with Purell.

But this pain was real.   For hours I was consumed with it.  It worsened as the hours passed.  In calmer moments, I reminded myself that this had happened before.   So, I pulled out the book that I always turn to in times like this–Dr. John Sarno’s Healing Back Pain.  Yes, back pain.  Dr. Sarno is a world-renowned expert in TMJ–Tension Myosis Syndrome.  He stresses that the pain is real, but it has an emotional, not physical root cause.  From his research with thousands of patients, he can state that this sudden and severe pain in various parts of the body originates from repressed emotions.  Now, before you start thinking he’s a new age quack, let me tell you he is a professor of Clinical Rehabilitation Medicine at New York University School of Medicine in New York.   I read through Dr. Sarno’s book that night and within a few hours, I had identified the emotional root cause of my pain.  Soon, it started to ebb.  When it flared up again, I sent my mind back to my emotions.  Later that night and through the next day, the pain had largely disappeared.  From time to time, when it flared, I asked, “What is really worrying me?”  When I pinpointed the answer and thought through it, the pain ebbed.

Perhaps you are skeptical, but curious about the mind-body connection, like I was.  Perhaps you have tried traditional medicine and you are still in pain.  Perhaps your pain limits you and makes you fearful.  If so, I have a wonderful resource for you.   The Winter of Wellness is hosting a series of 45-minute talks on the mind, body, and spirit throughout February and March.   These talks are free and can be accessed for a week after the original broadcast.  All you need to do is register with the Institute and they will send you a link to the daily broadcasts.  Here’s the registration link:  http://winterofwellness.com/   If you decide to listen, let me know your thoughts.  Are you still skeptical or are you convinced?  I’d love to hear what you think.

Regrets? I Have a Few…

Posted on by
Reply

Last weekend, we viewed 4 Oscar-nominated short films.  Three of them have lingered with me all week, because of their subtle insights into human nature and the thorny topic of regret, which can mire us down in bitterness or anger or motivate us to break through our fears, often with surprising results.

The Irish film The Shore reminds us that the regrets originating in young adulthood shouldn’t be carried like baggage for decades without first checking our youthful assumptions. The Norwegian film Tuba Atlantic reminds us to live, truly live, and not  collect regrets, which can weigh us down with fear, anger, and sadness until it’s almost too late. And finally the American film Time Freak, reminds us that the wish to go back in time and correct our mistakes is a foolish and comical waste of brain power and energy.   If you have the chance to view them, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

From Excuses to Action

Posted on by
Reply

In part 2 of my post “What’s Your Excuse?” we’ll focus on how to move from making excuses to taking action.  A very practical solution is outlined in the book Five Steps To Overcome Resistance to Change, by Harvard professors Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey.  Their five-step process is straight-forward, logical, and easy to follow.  In this post, I’ll outline the authors’ 5 step process and use my own experiment in breaking down the excuse barrier as an example.

First, I took a sheet of paper, divided it into 5 columns, and labeled with the titles shown below.  (If you are like me and find it easier to type than write, you can create a table in Microsoft Word.)  In the first column, I recorded my current behavior, noting what did or didn’t happen as a result of my assumptions.   In my case, I noted my habit of relegating my writing and other creative projects to the weekends.   I had plenty of excuses.  I commute, I work from 8:30 to 5, most nights, I’m tired when I come home…and so on.   As a result, my creative projects are squeezed into free time on the weekends.   In  the second column, I jotted down experiences or other evidence that might cast doubt on the validity of my assumption.  In my case, I noted that I had taken photographs of a sunset, for example, after work.  That evidence disproved my belief that I didn’t have the time or energy to work on creative projects during the week.  I also noted that I wasted some of my free time by watching too many re-runs on TV.
Current Behavior Contrary Evidence Explore the History Test the Assumption Evaluate the Results  
I tell myself that I can only write and do other creative projects on the weekends and I don’t have time during the week.  As a result, I’m frustrated when I’m busy on the weekends and don’t have time to “indulge” in creativity.  This is not healthy for me and makes me difficult to live with! Is it true I have no free time during the week?  In fact, I spend far too much time watching reruns on TV in the evening.  I could use that time to write or edit photos even if it’s just for half an hour.  Occasionally, I have also used my free time during the week to take photographs. I believe that I can only do creative projects when I have the right conditions—enough sleep, enough time, enough quiet.  This assumption took root in my 20′s when I was working, commuting, and going to grad school. In the evenings, I have started editing photos on my laptop.  Even if the T.V. is on, I can still concentrate on editing.  I’m also reading during my lunch hour, to get background information for a new writing project. The conditions aren’t always ideal, but there are some creative projects that I can do during the week.  This makes me feel satisfied and creatively fulfilled on a more regular basis.

Step 3 is to explore the history of this assumption.  How and when did the assumption(s) take hold?  In my case, it started many years before when I was working, commuting, and going to grad school.   Back then, I believed  that I needed to devote many hours at a stretch to writing or other creative projects and I couldn’t squeeze them into an “ordinary” day.

The next step is to test the assumption in a safe environment, which allows me to “escape” from the situation if I began to feel uncomfortable or uneasy.  In my case, one night after work, I took a series of shots of a beautiful sunset and on another night, I edited photos while watching TV.  I also started bringing a book to work, so on my lunch hour, I could do some preparatory work for a new writing project.

The final step is to evaluate the results.  My little experiment worked.   It gave me an alternate way to think and act  Even devoting a few minutes in the evening to photography or reading on my lunch hour left me feeling happier and more satisfied during the week.  My change was relatively easy and safe, however.   The authors caution that this is not an easy process, and tackling problems head-on in this way can be painful and challenging. However, it has been tremendously rewarding to understand the “old” assumptions were blocking me from acting.  It was liberating to bring my resistance to the surface and try out new tools to cope with an inner conflict that was preventing me  from achieving my goals.  If you try it, let me know whether it works for you too.

Source:  THE REAL REASON PEOPLE WON’T CHANGE
Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey

What’s Your Excuse?

Posted on by
1

She was anxious.  I could read it on her face.

She had glanced at my address as I finished placing an order for a new pair of eyeglasses, and asked if I liked living downtown.  “I love it,” I said, gesturing out the shop window at the people ice skating in the park across the street and the coffee shops, restaurants, museum, and hotels within the perimeter of my gaze.   “An apartment is so much easier to take care of than a house,” I added.   She nodded and told me she was also thinking of downsizing and moving nearby.    Her children were grown, she explained, and she was tired of the expense and upkeep of a house.  Besides, there was so much more to do downtown than in the suburbs.  Her kids were encouraging her to do it, but she still hadn’t made the move.

She bit her lip.  “I’d miss my garden,” she said, wistfully.  “I love to garden.  Don’t you miss it?”   I told her did, but visited parks and other outdoor spaces to fulfill my need for green.   She continued to quiz me, and list other reasons why she shouldn’t make the move–the effort, the time, the expense, the housing market.  In the end, she thanked me for my opinion and said she’d keep it in mind.  I had the distinct impression that she was stuck in the data gathering phase, weighing the pros and cons and opinions of people, but wouldn’t ultimately take action and make the move.

When facing change, many people “get stuck.” Why?  Putting on my therapist’s hat, I’d diagnose her failure to change for several reasons:  1.  She is afraid ;  2.  She doesn’t want to make a mistake;  3.  It takes time and energy to move;  4.  She’s wondering whether the financial and physical “cost” of moving will outweigh the benefits;  5. She is not sure what the change will “give” her;  6.  She knows the change necessitates giving up something(s) that is/are valued.

I’ve been there.  Sometimes I can think of a million reasons why I should stay “stuck.”  It’s uncomfortable place, but its familiarity is oddly comforting.

Now, it’s your turn.  Think about a change you are contemplating.  It may or may not be voluntary.   It could be personal or related to your career.   If you are “stuck” between action and inaction, you are not alone.   Do any of these excuses sound familiar?  They were compiled by Morgan W. Mc Call, Jr. who collected managers’ and executives’ responses to the question, “Why haven’t you changed something you believe you should have?”   Do any of them resonate with you?

  • You don’t accept the need to change
  • You don’t want to admit mistakes or flaws.
  • You aren’t motivated to change.
  • You are weighing the costs in time and energy.
  • The benefit is unclear.
  • You are not personally committed to the change.
  • You don’t see the real importance of change.
  • You don’t know how to change.
  • The change requires that you give up something of value.
  • You are not sure what the change will “give” you.
  • You are comfortable the way you are.
  • You are afraid of looking stupid or feeling incompetent.
  • You feel intimidated by others who have made the change already.
  • You are too busy to change.
  • People around you don’t support the change.
  • You are afraid to make mistakes.
  • You are afraid of failure.
  • You need to be liked.

In part 2 of this post, we’ll explore ways to overcome resistance to change.

Comfort Food Guilt?

Posted on by
4

When I’m stressed out, I reach for chocolate.  It’s my comfort food of choice.  Other favorites are tea with milk and sugar, and cookies.

My husband, on the other hand, reaches for salted nuts, pretzels, and potato chips.  This comfort food gender split is fairly typical, apparently.  In a Cornell University study in 2005 of 277 men and women, the researchers concluded that women’s source of edible comfort is in sweet and sugary foods, like ice cream, whereas men prefer savory food like steak and soup.*   Another interesting conclusion drawn from this study is that men seem to use comfort food as a reward, whereas women’s indulgence seems to provoke guilt.

This is certainly true for me.  But I’ve found a way to combat the guilt.

For chocolate, I eat a small piece nearly every day, often with my morning cup of tea.  That way I give myself a tiny bit of indulgence, which lasts all day long.  Other times, I save my piece of chocolate until the end of the day as a special treat.  I’d rather factor in that bit of indulgence into my overall calorie consumption and adjust accordingly by cutting back on bread or crackers!

As for my tea cravings, this also presented a problem, because I am sensitive to caffeine and simply don’t like the bland and boring decaffeinated teas on the market.   What’s worse is that my tea of choice is PG Tips, a rich, British black tea blend which is full-bodied and delicious, and heavy in caffeine.  But I solved that too after learning that most of the caffeine in tea is released in the first minute of steeping.  So, I pour an inch or so of boiling water into the teacup, swirl it around, pour it out, and then re-fill the cup with boiling water.  This little step eliminates most of the caffeine and I can happily drink 2 cups of tea without the jitters.

My question to you is–what is your comfort food of choice?  Do you feel guilty about indulging in it?  If so, how do you combat it?

(*Source:  Smith, Stephen W. “Comfort food psychology.” November 17, 2005. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/11/17/health/main1055408.shtml)

Gratitude

Posted on by
Reply

It’s rare that my New Year’s resolutions “stick.”  In fact, I’ve practically given up making them.  But this amazing 9-minute movie by Louie Schwartzberg has me thinking about the new year in a different way.  His movie has me wondering how often we show our best selves to the world.    If you’re like me, it’s not often enough.  All too often, I am more consumed with petty worries, fears, and concerns that take my mind off the present and close me off to beauty, wonder, and other people.   Perhaps, like me, those rare moments of gratitude, of beauty, of joy circle through your mind from time to time.  Perhaps, like me, your moments still have the power to make you pause.  Perhaps, even in your distant memories, those moments still fill your chest with a singular feeling of wonder, of joy.  Perhaps you were running on a country road on a spring morning in the rain, and the smell of new grass filled the air with the promise of summer.   Or perhaps, you were standing hand-in-hand with someone you love on a beach at sunrise, the waves curling around  your feet.  Or perhaps you were holding your brand-new son or daughter, marveling over the perfection of every finger, every toe.  Did you in these moments, pause in wonder and gratitude and murmur, “Oh, my God?”  Do you think of these moments as rare and precious gifts?

As we end one year and begin a new one, I have watched Louie Schwartzberg’s 9-minute movie a half dozen times.  In it, Louie, a filmmaker who specializes in time lapse imagery, gives us a preview of his latest film project “Happiness Revealed,” an exquisite and awe-inspiring tribute to nature, human kind, and the gifts we can all receive every day–if we only open our eyes and hearts to others and to nature.   And so, my resolution this year is to follow Louie’s advise and try, as often as I can, to sweep the detritius of worry, impatience, fear, and anger from my mind and face each day with an open mind and heart.   To paraphrase the wonderfully wise older man in this film, if we approach the new day in this way, our  joy and gratitude will flow from ourselves to others through our “eyes, smile, touch, and (our) presence.”