Regrets? I Have a Few…

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Last weekend, we viewed 4 Oscar-nominated short films.  Three of them have lingered with me all week, because of their subtle insights into human nature and the thorny topic of regret, which can mire us down in bitterness or anger or motivate us to break through our fears, often with surprising results.

The Irish film The Shore reminds us that the regrets originating in young adulthood shouldn’t be carried like baggage for decades without first checking our youthful assumptions. The Norwegian film Tuba Atlantic reminds us to live, truly live, and not  collect regrets, which can weigh us down with fear, anger, and sadness until it’s almost too late. And finally the American film Time Freak, reminds us that the wish to go back in time and correct our mistakes is a foolish and comical waste of brain power and energy.   If you have the chance to view them, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

From Excuses to Action

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In part 2 of my post “What’s Your Excuse?” we’ll focus on how to move from making excuses to taking action.  A very practical solution is outlined in the book Five Steps To Overcome Resistance to Change, by Harvard professors Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey.  Their five-step process is straight-forward, logical, and easy to follow.  In this post, I’ll outline the authors’ 5 step process and use my own experiment in breaking down the excuse barrier as an example.

First, I took a sheet of paper, divided it into 5 columns, and labeled with the titles shown below.  (If you are like me and find it easier to type than write, you can create a table in Microsoft Word.)  In the first column, I recorded my current behavior, noting what did or didn’t happen as a result of my assumptions.   In my case, I noted my habit of relegating my writing and other creative projects to the weekends.   I had plenty of excuses.  I commute, I work from 8:30 to 5, most nights, I’m tired when I come home…and so on.   As a result, my creative projects are squeezed into free time on the weekends.   In  the second column, I jotted down experiences or other evidence that might cast doubt on the validity of my assumption.  In my case, I noted that I had taken photographs of a sunset, for example, after work.  That evidence disproved my belief that I didn’t have the time or energy to work on creative projects during the week.  I also noted that I wasted some of my free time by watching too many re-runs on TV.
Current Behavior Contrary Evidence Explore the History Test the Assumption Evaluate the Results  
I tell myself that I can only write and do other creative projects on the weekends and I don’t have time during the week.  As a result, I’m frustrated when I’m busy on the weekends and don’t have time to “indulge” in creativity.  This is not healthy for me and makes me difficult to live with! Is it true I have no free time during the week?  In fact, I spend far too much time watching reruns on TV in the evening.  I could use that time to write or edit photos even if it’s just for half an hour.  Occasionally, I have also used my free time during the week to take photographs. I believe that I can only do creative projects when I have the right conditions—enough sleep, enough time, enough quiet.  This assumption took root in my 20′s when I was working, commuting, and going to grad school. In the evenings, I have started editing photos on my laptop.  Even if the T.V. is on, I can still concentrate on editing.  I’m also reading during my lunch hour, to get background information for a new writing project. The conditions aren’t always ideal, but there are some creative projects that I can do during the week.  This makes me feel satisfied and creatively fulfilled on a more regular basis.

Step 3 is to explore the history of this assumption.  How and when did the assumption(s) take hold?  In my case, it started many years before when I was working, commuting, and going to grad school.   Back then, I believed  that I needed to devote many hours at a stretch to writing or other creative projects and I couldn’t squeeze them into an “ordinary” day.

The next step is to test the assumption in a safe environment, which allows me to “escape” from the situation if I began to feel uncomfortable or uneasy.  In my case, one night after work, I took a series of shots of a beautiful sunset and on another night, I edited photos while watching TV.  I also started bringing a book to work, so on my lunch hour, I could do some preparatory work for a new writing project.

The final step is to evaluate the results.  My little experiment worked.   It gave me an alternate way to think and act  Even devoting a few minutes in the evening to photography or reading on my lunch hour left me feeling happier and more satisfied during the week.  My change was relatively easy and safe, however.   The authors caution that this is not an easy process, and tackling problems head-on in this way can be painful and challenging. However, it has been tremendously rewarding to understand the “old” assumptions were blocking me from acting.  It was liberating to bring my resistance to the surface and try out new tools to cope with an inner conflict that was preventing me  from achieving my goals.  If you try it, let me know whether it works for you too.

Source:  THE REAL REASON PEOPLE WON’T CHANGE
Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey

What’s Your Excuse?

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She was anxious.  I could read it on her face.

She had glanced at my address as I finished placing an order for a new pair of eyeglasses, and asked if I liked living downtown.  “I love it,” I said, gesturing out the shop window at the people ice skating in the park across the street and the coffee shops, restaurants, museum, and hotels within the perimeter of my gaze.   “An apartment is so much easier to take care of than a house,” I added.   She nodded and told me she was also thinking of downsizing and moving nearby.    Her children were grown, she explained, and she was tired of the expense and upkeep of a house.  Besides, there was so much more to do downtown than in the suburbs.  Her kids were encouraging her to do it, but she still hadn’t made the move.

She bit her lip.  “I’d miss my garden,” she said, wistfully.  “I love to garden.  Don’t you miss it?”   I told her did, but visited parks and other outdoor spaces to fulfill my need for green.   She continued to quiz me, and list other reasons why she shouldn’t make the move–the effort, the time, the expense, the housing market.  In the end, she thanked me for my opinion and said she’d keep it in mind.  I had the distinct impression that she was stuck in the data gathering phase, weighing the pros and cons and opinions of people, but wouldn’t ultimately take action and make the move.

When facing change, many people “get stuck.” Why?  Putting on my therapist’s hat, I’d diagnose her failure to change for several reasons:  1.  She is afraid ;  2.  She doesn’t want to make a mistake;  3.  It takes time and energy to move;  4.  She’s wondering whether the financial and physical “cost” of moving will outweigh the benefits;  5. She is not sure what the change will “give” her;  6.  She knows the change necessitates giving up something(s) that is/are valued.

I’ve been there.  Sometimes I can think of a million reasons why I should stay “stuck.”  It’s uncomfortable place, but its familiarity is oddly comforting.

Now, it’s your turn.  Think about a change you are contemplating.  It may or may not be voluntary.   It could be personal or related to your career.   If you are “stuck” between action and inaction, you are not alone.   Do any of these excuses sound familiar?  They were compiled by Morgan W. Mc Call, Jr. who collected managers’ and executives’ responses to the question, “Why haven’t you changed something you believe you should have?”   Do any of them resonate with you?

  • You don’t accept the need to change
  • You don’t want to admit mistakes or flaws.
  • You aren’t motivated to change.
  • You are weighing the costs in time and energy.
  • The benefit is unclear.
  • You are not personally committed to the change.
  • You don’t see the real importance of change.
  • You don’t know how to change.
  • The change requires that you give up something of value.
  • You are not sure what the change will “give” you.
  • You are comfortable the way you are.
  • You are afraid of looking stupid or feeling incompetent.
  • You feel intimidated by others who have made the change already.
  • You are too busy to change.
  • People around you don’t support the change.
  • You are afraid to make mistakes.
  • You are afraid of failure.
  • You need to be liked.

In part 2 of this post, we’ll explore ways to overcome resistance to change.

Comfort Food Guilt?

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When I’m stressed out, I reach for chocolate.  It’s my comfort food of choice.  Other favorites are tea with milk and sugar, and cookies.

My husband, on the other hand, reaches for salted nuts, pretzels, and potato chips.  This comfort food gender split is fairly typical, apparently.  In a Cornell University study in 2005 of 277 men and women, the researchers concluded that women’s source of edible comfort is in sweet and sugary foods, like ice cream, whereas men prefer savory food like steak and soup.*   Another interesting conclusion drawn from this study is that men seem to use comfort food as a reward, whereas women’s indulgence seems to provoke guilt.

This is certainly true for me.  But I’ve found a way to combat the guilt.

For chocolate, I eat a small piece nearly every day, often with my morning cup of tea.  That way I give myself a tiny bit of indulgence, which lasts all day long.  Other times, I save my piece of chocolate until the end of the day as a special treat.  I’d rather factor in that bit of indulgence into my overall calorie consumption and adjust accordingly by cutting back on bread or crackers!

As for my tea cravings, this also presented a problem, because I am sensitive to caffeine and simply don’t like the bland and boring decaffeinated teas on the market.   What’s worse is that my tea of choice is PG Tips, a rich, British black tea blend which is full-bodied and delicious, and heavy in caffeine.  But I solved that too after learning that most of the caffeine in tea is released in the first minute of steeping.  So, I pour an inch or so of boiling water into the teacup, swirl it around, pour it out, and then re-fill the cup with boiling water.  This little step eliminates most of the caffeine and I can happily drink 2 cups of tea without the jitters.

My question to you is–what is your comfort food of choice?  Do you feel guilty about indulging in it?  If so, how do you combat it?

(*Source:  Smith, Stephen W. “Comfort food psychology.” November 17, 2005. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/11/17/health/main1055408.shtml)

Gratitude

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It’s rare that my New Year’s resolutions “stick.”  In fact, I’ve practically given up making them.  But this amazing 9-minute movie by Louie Schwartzberg has me thinking about the new year in a different way.  His movie has me wondering how often we show our best selves to the world.    If you’re like me, it’s not often enough.  All too often, I am more consumed with petty worries, fears, and concerns that take my mind off the present and close me off to beauty, wonder, and other people.   Perhaps, like me, those rare moments of gratitude, of beauty, of joy circle through your mind from time to time.  Perhaps, like me, your moments still have the power to make you pause.  Perhaps, even in your distant memories, those moments still fill your chest with a singular feeling of wonder, of joy.  Perhaps you were running on a country road on a spring morning in the rain, and the smell of new grass filled the air with the promise of summer.   Or perhaps, you were standing hand-in-hand with someone you love on a beach at sunrise, the waves curling around  your feet.  Or perhaps you were holding your brand-new son or daughter, marveling over the perfection of every finger, every toe.  Did you in these moments, pause in wonder and gratitude and murmur, “Oh, my God?”  Do you think of these moments as rare and precious gifts?

As we end one year and begin a new one, I have watched Louie Schwartzberg’s 9-minute movie a half dozen times.  In it, Louie, a filmmaker who specializes in time lapse imagery, gives us a preview of his latest film project “Happiness Revealed,” an exquisite and awe-inspiring tribute to nature, human kind, and the gifts we can all receive every day–if we only open our eyes and hearts to others and to nature.   And so, my resolution this year is to follow Louie’s advise and try, as often as I can, to sweep the detritius of worry, impatience, fear, and anger from my mind and face each day with an open mind and heart.   To paraphrase the wonderfully wise older man in this film, if we approach the new day in this way, our  joy and gratitude will flow from ourselves to others through our “eyes, smile, touch, and (our) presence.”

How Can You Think of Beauty at a Time Like This?

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Right before Thanksgiving her husband died, leaving her alone with two small children.  I knew Sara* from work, a tall, intelligent and lovely woman in her early 40’s, who managed to come into the office even when her husband was on hospice care.  I admired her strength and courage.   But she deflected my compliments, admitting that going to work was her respite, a mental break.  Still, I wondered how she had the fortitude and presence of mind to focus on the details of running an office, given her situation.

At his funeral, she was tearful, yet composed, even though men and women were crying around her.  After the service, we gave each other a long hug.  She listened intently as I managed to find some meager words of comfort.  How could I begin to help her?  A husband dead at 47?  Two children under the age of 12 who depended on her?  Her needs and worries had to be vast and overwhelming.

A few days after the funeral, a co-worker, (I’ll call her Judy) started a collection for Sara.   We signed the card.   I was certain the money was going to be put to a practical use—such as a college fund for her children.  But instead, Judy had purchased a large pane of stained glass.   She explained, “I was shopping with Sara last summer and we saw it in a store window.  She fell in love with it.  It meant something to her.”  I nodded and contributed some money, but privately I questioned her decision to buy something so frivolous, so irrelevant.  How could such a gift help  assuage some of Sara’s fears, concerns, and needs?  How could it truly help her?

Two weeks ago, Sara came back to work.  She was smiling, but pale.  A few of us gathered around her and Todd, one of the VPs, announced, “We have something for you.”  Judy stepped forward, revealing the large panel of stained glass patterned with sunflowers, gleaming green and gold in the light.  At first, Sara simply stared.   “I can’t believe you did this,” she murmured, her eyes filling with tears.  “You have no idea…. It’s beautiful.”

“You can hang it in your living room window,” one woman offered.

“Look at the colors when the light hits it,” said another.

Sara nodded, her head low, fumbling for composure.  One woman put her arms protectively around her.  Another handed her tissues, creating a circle of comfort while Sara cried.

Her reaction surprised me, but as I thought more about it,  I realized I had forgotten one important  truth…that even in times of pain and suffering, it’s important to remember beauty.

Etty Hilesum, a Dutch writer during the Holocaust, echoes this in her diary.  She writes that friends chided her for buying tulips one spring day in 1944 when the Nazis were filling the streets of Amsterdam.   “How can you think of tulips at a time like this?” one of her friends demanded.  In her diary, Etty had written that in times like this, times of great darkness and despair that we must remember beauty.  In fact, she wrote, we need it now more than ever to remind us that goodness and beauty still exist in this world.  This is what Sara already knew and what I have learned from her, in her grief.

* Not her real name.

Lyrical Inspiration

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Nearly every morning, on my drive to work, I slip this CD into the player, twist up the volume, and sing along with Chumbawumba.  It never fails to lift my spirits and get me ready to face the challenges of the day.    Chumbawumba’s  songs are an intriguing mix of the political and personal.  Enjoy!